I am sorry I have not updated lately:~( I have not been feeling very well...to say the least. I am approx 7 weeks along right now, and just started feeling sick about 4 days ago. There is lots to update, and I promise to soon! Just bear with me while I deal with this morning sickness.
I am so excited to announce that Kenny and I are EXPECTING A BABY!!
Our lives have been so crazy for the past several years that the thought of ever having another baby was just a distant wish. The year after Ava was born was consumed with just trying to survive, and then the next couple of years were consumed with getting my nursing license.
It was sometime last year we were talking one night and the topic of another baby came up, and I was just blurted out, "I really want another baby." I confided in Kenny that I felt robbed of Ava's newborn experience. I had my little girl, yet...I didn't. For the past 3 1/2 years I have avoided play dates, birthday parties, you name it. It has gotten easier, but it's still not easy. Another special needs mom that I know said she had two special needs children and was then blessed with a third healthy child.
So back to mine and Kenny's conversation...
I told Kenny that I was experiencing an internal battle. One part of me wanted so badly to have a healthy baby. The other part of me kept getting caught up in what others would think.."People will think I'm nuts for getting pregnant again after Ava's birth," or, "Maybe I'm too old." And many others... But ya know what? I wasn't exactly a young first-time mom. I was 32 when I had my first baby, 34 when I had Ava, and had healthy pregnancies with both. With Aohdan I Did have a touch of gestational diabetes, but was able to control it with diet. With Ava I had no problems at all. My blood pressure the day I went into labor was 112/54. The biggest thing I am worried about is that I have packed on 35 lbs since Ava's birth. And I have noticed that my blood sugar is more 'touchy' this time aorund. But I have a wonderful OB that will take great care of us, and I will be delivering in the OR just in case anything goes haywire. Were not taking any chances this time.
So please just keep us in your prayers. We are so excited to be pregnant again, but we are battling anxieties and some fears. We just want so badly to hold a healthy, crying, pink baby at delivery.
You know I was thinking tonight as I was blogging on Ava's site. My friend Carmen was video taping during Ava's labor all the way up until we left for the hospital. I have NEVER watched that video. The tape is still in my desk upstairs. I want to see it but I'm afraid. I know there is a lot of good footage, but the end of the tape would have been hearing the heart rate decels and heading to the hopsital. I remember when we got home, late on January 1, 2008. Everything was exactly as it had been left. It was very surreal. The receiving blankets were still wrapped in a heating pad, there was blood splatters on the bathroom floor (from me), blood stains on our bed. I still remember like it was yesterday. And I still remember walking into our kitchen and seeing the camcorder laying on the table. Kenny asked me what I wanted to do with the tape, and I told him to put it away.... That was almost 4 years ago.
If you look at her picture story, you'll notice that it goes from here...which is about 15 minutes before pushing began.
To this just a few hours later...
I'm still healing over Ava's birth. Sometimes the 'what if's' drive me crazy. In those times I really lean on God a lot. I remember the morning after I had her, I was siting up in my hospital bed channel surfing. The only channel that would come in was the baby channel and they were talking about new mom's learning how to breast feed. This was after the neurologist had come in and explained that Ava had lost all of her reflexes, including her ability to swallow. I remember mourning the loss of breast feeding my baby. I was sitting in the NICU when my milk came in, and I was surrounded by newborn babies. Any mom knows that when a baby starts to cry, your milk starts to flow, it doesn't have to be Your baby. I remember learning that my little girl would never eat by mouth was a mourning process in and of itself.
I remember one Sunday morning at church, only a few weeks after Ava was born, we were having communion. When the usher released our row to go up to the front to get the elements, I had to walk the entire perimeter of people seated in chairs on my way to the front. Our church has a lot of babies, and still having babies. I remember walking by (what seemed to be) a lot of babies. There was this one little girl in particular that smiled at me. She had the cutest curly hair, and was probably about 4-5 months old. The tears began to flow, and just kept flowing the whole service. One of our church members saw me and came up behind me when I sat down, and just grabbed me and started praying. I completely lost it. I remember the world seemed so heavy at that moment. That seems like a long time ago, but those feelings still creep up from time to time.
As hard as things can be, i still feel the Lord's presense very strong in mine and Kenny's lives. There are times when I cry and cry and ask why us. He always gently reminds me that He has things well under control. So yeah I still have the occasional meltdown. But don't we all? I have people say to me all the time, "I could never imagine going through what you guys have gone through." But I don't look at it that way. Sure it's hard. But I have an awesome husband who loves me unconditionally, best of all he loves God more than me. I have friends who are going through things just as hard. Different, but just as hard. Some are dealing with sick kids, some are going through divorces, some have constant strife in their family.
Dear Lord, I ask you to be with each and every person reading this who is dealing with tough stuff in life. Please meet them at their every point of need, and show them you are with them. Thank you Lord. Amen.
Around this house and among her nursing staff, Ava has developed Quite the reputation for being a cuddle bug. If she had her way, she'd blow off therapy and playtime in lieu of just having someone sit and hold her and talk to her. It's funny because everytime her [current] PT comes to visit, Ava will fight her on most of the positions, but as soon as it involves being on someone's lap, she loosens up and smiles for ya!
One of the big things we have to do Several times a day is massage and stretch her feet, ankles in particular. Her right ankle has been giving us fits for months. It is turning in. We ended up deciding to have botox injections every 60 days just to keep it [somewhat] in check. And it hurts her. Imagine the worst pulled muscle you can imagine, and then imagine that someone has to massage and handle it several times a day. Imagine how much that would hurt. So of course she does not like it, in fact she cries almost every time we do it. That information makes the pictures below that much more funny!
One of our nurses found a way to get Ava to relax while getting her ankles massaged. Lol!!
"I hate my feet messed with, but I love being held!"
"I will NOT fall asleeo during my foot massage!"
"Okay. I give in. Just hold me and you can do whatever you want to my feet...."
Hey everyone! I've been busy trying to make Ava's blog look really nice and add a bunch of pics and stuff! There's still a lot of work to do, but if any of you are blog junkies, please give me any tips you may have on how to make my blog look really good.
I like the free templates out there on the web, but I have yet to find any that will allow me to have the facebook link at the bottom of the post so that myself, and others, can share a particular post. So far the only templates I see that allow you to do that are the templates that come with blogger, which tend to be rather plain and boring, but I'm trying to spruce it up!
Remember, email me or comment on the blog with ideas:-)
Ava is non-verbal. I mean she coos and grunts and such. But she does not make any identifiable noises, for lack of better terms. And it has only been since age 2 that she really even coo'ed much. But going back to when she was an infant, as soon as she would drift into dream land, she would start 'singing.' And it wasn't words, but she would vocalize at different ranges, and 'trill' is the best way I can describe some of the noises she would make. I remember clear back when she was only like 6 months old, her nurse and I would comment that she was talking to her Angels. So that was just to give you some history on the subject.
Well, for the past year or so, she has been crying when she wakes up from a nap. I mean not just grumpy, she wails like she is in pain or scared, or both. Before I say this please understand that I do not claim to know the ways of God, or exactly how things work in the spiritual realm. But I do know this. We serve a loving God, who does ALL things to the good of those who love Him. And I know He loves my little girl and has a plan for her little life.
That being said, I have this theory. When Ava goes to sleep, I believe she is entertained by Angels and taken into heavenly places. I believe she has seen the face of God. Maybe when she sleeps she runs, and plays, and does all the things she should be doing right now if she were not handicapped. Maybe she even visits with my Mom, her other grandma who is in Heaven. Maybe when she is asleep she has no pain and can talk and laugh. We can only imagine what Heaven must be like. I mean there are thousands and thousands of accounts of people being taken to heaven only to return and tell us their stories.
So if she is entertained by Angels while she sleeps, she then wakes up in this world and has to re-adjust to her reality here. Is it any wonder that she wakes up crying?
Do not misconstrue what I'm saying. Ava seems to be a very happy child. And most medical professionals would call what she is experiencing neurological irritation. But do we reallllly know what these kids feel? I mean they can't tell us, so it is all theory really. Doctors like to believe they know it all, but they really don't. They say they can prove it with fancy testing, EEG's, etc. But I talked with one pediatrician who told me about the day he quit believing what tests showed. He told me about a 5 year old little boy who was basically, born without a brain, only a brain stem. This child should have been a vegetable. He said when he walked out into the waiting room this child was running around getting into everything. He said never again will he allow a test to direct his opinion of a patient.
So that is my theory on my Ava wakes up crying. I believe she is entertained by Angels while she sleeps. I believe she walks hand in hand with our Lord and talks with her grandma Sandy. I believe she experiences the wonderful things while she sleeps, that her current reality in this world cannot give her. And honestly, this thought brings a smile to my heart.
No one knows what her life will be like in this world, or how long she'll stay in this world. But I do know one thing. God has Ava in the palm of his hand. I was given this vision when she was sick in the hospital, and I was shown that she was taken care of. It gave me a great peace about her life. I very much struggle when I see a little girl between the ages of 3 and 4 running around, sassing her parents, or whatever. Because that is what Ava should be doing right now. It is a big, big burden on both mine and Kenny's heart at times. But God continually gives me peave about Ava's life.
Kenny told me not so long ago...and the comment still makes me tear up. He said when he hears a little girl call for her daddy is makes his heart heavy. But he said he knows that one day he will "Dance with Ava in Heaven." Ahhhh, what a tear jerker. But so true!