Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

I wake up at around 5:00am on New Year's Day. It feels like I'm waking up from a bad dream, but I know it is real. It is surreal to think that most of our friends were out partying it up the night before and have no idea of the tragedy that has taken place. I'm debating on how best to spread the news. I'm still in shock myself. I decide to send a text message to a few people in our our circle of family, friends, co-workers and our River church family. I tell everyone that there were major complications with the birth and make the first request for prayer. I close my eyes and thank God for saving Ava's life and just ask Him to remain close to us as we venture into the unknown. I look over and Kenny is still sleeping. He looks so peaceful. Dr. Murnan, the gracious soul who just 'happened' to be at the right place at the right time, came in to check on me. He apologized for not being able to do more. I thanked him for being so kind to us and for thinking of Ava. Shortly after our nurse came in and gave me something to help me sleep as I was still wired with adrenaline from the delivery. I fall asleep for several hours. When I wake again it is close to lunchtime. The Neonatologist comes in to talk to Kenny and I. He paints a very grim picture for Ava. "Birth asphyxia, organ failure, seizures, brain damage..." I had to quit listening, I just went numb. Just the day before I had been laboring at home, picturing an easy birth surrounded only by my midwives, my husband and two of my closest friends. I should be enjoying my baby right now! I was struggling with guilt.."I should have pushed harder!" "I should have left for the hospital sooner!" Feelings of guilt ran rampant through my mind. "It was MY fault she was in this condition!" But Dr Murnan had so graciously reminded me that no one could have forseen what had happened. A plencental abruption, or, premature separation of the placenta from the uteran wall. "The outcome would have been the same whether you were here or at home, we lost her so quickly..." His words kept running through my mind over and over again.
Kenny and I finally got to see her around Noon that day. It was at this time that the Dr told us for the first time that she may not live. "WHAT?!" My mind screamed for her. I just wanted to crawl up on the warming table and take her place. I asked the nurse if I could touch her. She said "Yes" but not to make any stroking motions as it would cause her even more distress. I bent over and looked closely at her little face. She was perfect. Curly black hair, cute puckery little lips, it was hard to imagine that she was so, so sick. They were going to transfer her to Children's Hospital "So she'll get the best possible care," they said.
By the time we returned to our room, the phone calls had started rolling in. Shortly after lunch, I heard a knock on the door and when it opened there stood Eric Coss and Laura Richards. I just started crying, it was so good to see them! Laura just wrapped her arms around me and kept saying over and over, "I just needed to give you a hug!!!" We all prayed such a sweet prayer for healing and strength and Laura commented on how she just felt 'Peace' regarding Ava. After Eric & Laura left, Debbie Swanger and the girls stopped by. They all gathered around us and prayed hard against enemy attacks, and also for God's perfect peace to surround us. The love we felt those first few hours after Ava's birth still overwhelms me. It was an outpouring of the likes I had never seen before. At one point Kenny and I counted several dozen churches in 3 different COUNTRIES praying for our baby girl!
Later that same day, The transport team from Children's Hospital came to St. Ann's to pick up Ava. They assured us she was in good hands. The hospital gave me an early discharge so that I could go and be with our baby. I felt energetic and ready to go. It was as if the trauma my body had experienced the night before had ceased to exist. The nurse gave me a pain killer before I left to help out and advised me to 'take it easy' "Use a wheelchair" she told Kenny. "Don't let her walk any more than she has to." When we arrived at Children's I refused a wheelchair, telling Kenny I was 'Fine.' He just shook his head at my stubborness. When we arrived at Ava's bedside, her nurse handed me a box of kleenex and said the Dr would be there shortly. This was a common occurence in the NICU as I would discover in the weeks to come. A new patient would arrive, the Dr's would gt them settled in, then the father and mother would arrive and the nurse would always hand the mother a box of kleenex. I did cry, of course, bawled my eyes out actually. The Dr looked at me with sad eyes but told us matter of factly that statistically it didn't look good for Ava. He asked us at that time if we prayed and we replied, "Yes." "Then I would pray," he said. We left the hospital and drove home. Most of the ride was in silence. We were still numb. My body was in pain from walking the entire length of Children's Hospital (twice). It felt like my insides were loose, and I was bruised from the medical staff shoving their arms forcably into my rib cage and belly in an attempt to get Ava out quickly. I just crossed my arms around my middle and cried silently. "God, I really could use you right now because my world is pretty much crashing down around me..God? Could you just let me know you're with us?" I kept talking to God silently all the way home. I had always believed in God and Jesus. But now I was being tested far beyond where I ever thought I would. I looked over at Kenny.
"Babe?"
"Yes?" He said.
"I want to pray together..on our hands and knees at night. And I want to do it before we get into bed. God deserves more than us saying half-hearted prayers just before we fall asleep."
"Ok." He replied.
When we arrrived at the house memories of her tragic birth were EVERYWHERE. The empty birthing pool where I had labored just the night before. The video recorder laying on the kitchen table. Blood splatters on the bathroom floor. The unused receiving blankets still wrapped up in the heating blanket. Why?! Why?! Why?! We had been brought to our knees and only God could bring us through this.

No comments: